What a weekend. We euthanized Diamond on Friday at 5:30pm, and sat with each other and with her until about 6pm. It was terribly sad but good to be with her while she passed, to sit on the floor next to her and to stroke her and tell her we loved her. She layed down with her head on Anthony’s foot as the barbituates kicked in, and after about 30 seconds, she had died. I looked at her eyes, and realized that she was really was gone; it was just her remains that we were holding. I don’t know about heaven, but I certainly believe in souls, and the tremendous spirit of love that we carry within. I don’t think that just dissapears.
Going home afterwards was almost worse – a desparate aching sadness struck me when it sunk in that no, she was not in her crate in my bedroom excited to see us, and she never would be again. Cried in the bathroom (the least Diamond-y place in the apartment) for about 30 minutes. Then I found myself slowly and carefully gathering up her sentimental stuff – collar, toys, favorite blankets, leash – and neatly piling it on top of her crate. It felt wrong to leave it laying haphazardly on the ground. I have a strong need for ritual. The memorial ‘shrine’ helped me. It felt respectful and like a tribute.
Saturday and Sunday were actually better. The sadness still hit Anthony and I in waves, but I found it to be more peaceful and bearable. We focused on life: a friend’s baby shower, plant purchases, the kite festival. I looked over all my well-wishes and support from friends – thank you guys so much for being there for us. I’m so sad about Diamond, but knowing I have such a strong community of love is very helpful.
much love – ktk