Sometimes, I really wish I could just make painful things dissapear. Sometimes, I wish I could just dissapear. That my obligations and expectations would float away and release me. Sometimes, other people’s suffering pushes down on me like a huge pressing weight, holding my head under water, and I can’t escape the face punching guilt of not making a difference. Once, I closed my eyes for 5 seconds while driving through a neighborhood. Once, long ago, I held a plastic bag to my face until I freaked out and called the college health services. Every now and then, I cry and fret and feel worthless. Truly ‘what is the worth of me, life doesn’t matter anyway I suppose’ feelings. A few panels of this comic are very true to my own experiences.
BUT! These are never ‘always’ events. They are ‘sometimeses’ and ‘onces’ and ‘every now and thens’. And thankfully, I’ve always been able to clamor my way out of these feelings. I’ve been able to exercise, or sit outdoors, or brush my hair, and when I don’t have the energy for that I’m able to share these feelings with people, and when I don’t even have the energy for talking, I’m still able to read a multi-book fiction story and ignore the feelings while I’m reading. And the book will give me just enough of a respite to get juuust enough strength to reach out to someone and say “I have been having a fucking terrible day”.
I will be ok. Good in fact. I know that I will. Because we belong to each other. Because I will always have people who love me, and don’t freak out when I tell them my feelings (“Let’s go sit outside in the breeze” they say), and plus, I know that I’ll always have books to escape to when I have to. I have coping strategies that will beat back the lies of depressions and anxieties. But some people don’t have that, or don’t believe that they do. An old friend of mine probably didn’t have that. She stepped in front of a train a month ago. I’m sorry we didn’t get to belong to each other more thoroughly.
The folks at To Write Love on Her Arms have come up with a new coping strategy that I rather like. Here’s mine:
It was actually really fun to come up with these reasons, I suggest you give it a shot. Also, remember that you belong to me. I will never freak out if you tell me your feelings. We’ll go for a walk outside, or I’ll brush your hair. And at the very least, I have some really great books.